March 9, 2005 Issue

According to the Irish, God invented whiskey to keep them from ruling the world

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife
for 20 years, but he will kill any man who does.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish
fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of
having a worthy opponent.
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever
you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
Question—Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer—So the English can understand them.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman
came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep
the money?"

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in
the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear
spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til
two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!"
He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you
improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all
night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving
up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the
details and highlights of theirs?

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