Weapons of Math Instruction
February 12, 2004 Issue

A public school teacher tried to board a flight while in possession of a
ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator. He was
arrested and charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man may be a member of al-gebra.
“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” said Ashcroft. “They reach average
solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in
search of absolute values. They use secret code names like X and Y and
refer to ‘unknowns.’ We believe they belong to a common denominator of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles, once said, ‘There are three sides to every
triangle.’“ President Bush said, “If God wanted us to have weapons of
math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am
gratified that we now have a sine that these math-dogs, intent on
protracting us, are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.

Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence,”
the president added, “Under the circumferences, we must differentiate
their root, make our point, and draw the line. These weapons of math
instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a
scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a higher power
and begin to factor in random facts of vertex.”

Ashcroft concluded, “As our great leader would say, read my ellipse.
Here is one principle he is uncertainty of; though they continue to
multiply, their days are numbered, as the hypotenuse tightens around
their necks!”

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