Senior Moments

June 1, 2006 Issue

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brakepedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94- year- old yells back, "I don't know.† I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, ,"I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."

She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday. " And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a drink."
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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"†

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her.† For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,† "How soon do you need to know?"
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Well," said Herman, "It's not just one car. There are hundreds of
them!"
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car —both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."†

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

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