You're A Redneck When... 2003 Edition
April 24, 2003 Issue

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
7. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
8. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
9. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
12. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
13. Your grandmother has ammo on her Christmas list.
14. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
15. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
16. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
17. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
18. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
19. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
20. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
21. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
22. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
23. You have a rag for a gas cap.
24. Your house doesn't have curtains but your pick up truck does.
25. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
26. You can spit without opening your mouth.
27. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
28. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
29. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
30. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
31. You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.
32. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
33. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
34. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
35. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
36. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
37. You've asked the preacher “How's it hangin?”
38. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
39. The best four years of your life was the 7th grade
40. You go to the family reunion to pick up girls.
41. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
42. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

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