Big Kahuna’s: Cooling off in Style
By Breanne Boland July 15, 2004 Issue

Driving by Big Kahuna’s, as I have done hundreds of times over the years, I was always struck by the colors and the smiles on the faces of the people I could see. When we decided to write about this place, I knew I wouldn’t be climbing up to the slides, so I took young Breanne Boland, the one with good legs.

One of the deceiving qualities of the park is that it looks like you can access it from ground level. Wrong. According the general manager Tom McEvoy, the park has 3000 steps, and “it’s bigger than you think, over 25 acres of space.” Yep. And guess what? One has to go up and up just to get into the park, and then down and down to get to the Lazy River, which I had preordained as my destination. Anything with the word lazy in it has my name all over it.

The park, designed in 1985 by Joe Bruner and George Brown, opened in 1987 and is not really built for those who may have difficulty ambulating, but according to McEvoy, a pre-visit call is all it takes to get you fixed up. They will take you by golf cart to the back gate and allow you access, which keeps you mainly on ground level, (where the bathroom is) with only a few steps here and there to get from one lower level to another, where there are plenty of attractions to keep you busy.

In fact, they will also take you out that way. As I was leaving, I kept asking how to get out and legions of friendly employees kept pointing up. I objected. I was on ground level and so was my car, so get me out of here already. Ultimately a nice gentleman, whose name I failed to get, assured me they would take me out through the locked back gate.

Soon enough, Carl Simpson, who runs the go-kart concession, came for me in a cart. He assured me he had the best job in the world and was also 25 and a Cancer, when I told him I would be writing a story about the park. He’s a cutie, so if you are looking…. I think Carl is too.

McEvoy gives all credit about the park to the original design using natural topography for the slide height and to Tony Zak who built the park. “He’s been here since the first shovel of dirt was turned,” McEvoy said, “and he’s here today keeping everything in good running order.”

Big Kahuna’s is a relative bargain as well. Although the $32 price for adults and $30 price for those under four feet tall may seem steep, one can stay in the park from the opening at 10 a.m. until the close at 6 p.m. and leave the park and return during that period. On a per hour basis the price seems about right, when you consider that the park provides ample lifeguards among the 450 summer employees. I saw several people having a tailgate picnic lunch in the parking lot and having a grand time of it.

On weekends, Florida residents can take advantage of bargain entry fees of $21. McEvoy said that weekends are the slowest days at the park and the reason has been well researched. “Condos change over on Saturday and Sunday is Wal-Mart day, Monday is the beach, leaving the rest of the week for other attractions,” he said. “The holidays are traditionally slow.”

Whether a slow day or a busy one, Big Kahuna’s has ample chairs and resting areas for everyone. The park is open from the first weekend in May until the second weekend in September. For more information, call 837-4061.

A Slide by Slide Guide to Big Kahuna’s

By Breanne Boland

Crocodile Flats
Don’t fancy the idea of every motorist and passenger gawking at you in your swimsuit? Head to the back when you first get into the park. It’s more secluded, with a nice area for small children.

Lazy River
Every water park has one of these, and wisely so. They’re perfect for everyone: adults can lean back in a tube and float, cooling off while not actually exerting themselves physically. If you’re feeling more energetic, try swimming with the current. Suddenly, you’re the fastest swimmer in the world! It’s like walking while on a moving sidewalk: for just a moment, you feel bionic. The Lazy River at Big Kahuna’s manages to distinguish itself, however: somehow, perhaps through extensive scientific testing, the water is the perfect temperature. It’s cool enough that it’s still refreshing, no small feat since it’s filled with people all the time, and warm enough that you can jump right in without an uncomfortable getting-used-to-it period. Director of Water Temperature for Big Kahuna’s, I salute you.

Fun Fountains
You were too embarrassed to run through the fountains in the middle of the Destin Commons, weren’t you? Do it here instead.

The Maui Pipeline Speed Slides
These are the red and white slides that you see as you drive by the park. They look innocent from that distance, like they’re not too long, not too threatening. They are deceiving you. As I stood at the top of the slides, I watched people flying off the bottom and wondered, “Why are their limbs all askew like they were just pushed out of an airplane? Weird.” When I was about halfway down the slide, my arms crossed over my chest so that they didn’t get ripped off by my crazy velocity, I understood why: you fly off the bottom of the slide at what feels like 50 miles per hour, and there’s a not-insignificant drop to the water. My arms and legs jutted into the air like everyone I’d been staring at, I understood, and I mocked no more.

Bombs Away Bay
This is the big pool to the side of the plane. Like the lazy river in the front, its water is the perfect temperature, but this comes with the added bonus of fountains and waterfalls. This is where you go to relax without being smacked in the face by waves. When you leave, go out under the plane. There’s a stone room that’s not numbered on the map, and it’s so rustic and filled with mist that it’s like being in an Indiana Jones movie. At least, until a bunch of kids in flowered shorts walk in. Kinda spoils the illusion.

Thunder River
I think it’s a law that every theme park has to have a ride with this name. Usually it’s at a place like Six Flags, and you ride in a raft or a log, perhaps with a fake drowning person spinning around a whirlpool for dramatic effect. For obvious reasons, Big Kahuna’s decided against that particular decorative touch, but they’ve also decided to boldly go against all Thunder-River-style ride standards. I tried to think of what this particular ride contributes to the park overall; I decided it functions as crowd control. This slide is a series of small slopes separated by pools. Unfortunately, the current is so weak that at any given time, there are about 20 people sitting in each pool, trying to push against the walls and each other so that they can get to the next slide. It’s a long slide, so they can take a lot of people out of circulation this way. Clever. People see folks floating along on tubes; slides with tubes are generally pretty good. Unfortunately, Thunder River ducks this piece of water park tradition as deftly and thoroughly as it does the conventions that usually go with the name. Grab a pink tube and go on the Raging Rhino instead.

Tiki River Run
My favorite slides in the park. First, they involve a tube, so if your behind’s gotten weary of the seams in the other slides, you’re in for a nice reprieve. Second, while the line for this is often long (for good reason), the slide is long enough that it feels completely worth the uphill hike. I saw more people swim out of the pool at the bottom and get right back in line than I did with any other slide. It’s wonderfully long, perfectly twisty, and marvelous in every way a waterslide should be.

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