September 6, 2007 Issue

The people of our country are amazingly resilient. They can handle all manner of natural catastrophes, political blunders, and economic hardships. What our people can’t handle, however, is hypocrisy. In all levels of socio-economic class in the United States, hypocrisy is unacceptable.

Many times acts of hypocrisy are first met with humor, some ridicule, maybe a touch of sadness, but when its all said and done, people who say one thing and do another are doomed to failure.

Senator Craig of Idaho, a vehement anti-gay senator, from a state that radiates western masculinity, is the latest to take the fall.

I would guess that, at 52 years of age, I have been in as many public restroom stalls as the next guy. That is to say, as few as possible. When in one of those stalls, particularly when someone is in the stall next to me, I try like hell to concentrate on what I’m doing and not pay any attention to what the fellow in the next stall is doing.

And never, ever, in 52 years has my foot, regardless of the width of my stance, wandered into the next stall. If someone’s foot made its way into my space, I’d either make a hasty exit – or I’d faint.

There is so much hypocrisy in our government today that Senator Craig will wind up being just one more pitiful footnote.

It is time our leaders realize that homosexuality should not be a political issue. Gay people come from all walks of life. Gay children are born into conservative families at the same rate they are born into liberal families. Not only are they not going away, they are like a friend of mine recently told me: “coming out of the closet and nailing the damn door shut.”

We have conflict-loving hawks that avoided military service at all costs, and are now hell-bent on sending other people into a disastrous, unnecessary war.

We have radically pro-gun, NRA advocates, shooting hunting partners in the face and accidentally discharging handguns at gun shows. If you are convinced that ownership of guns is a hallmark of our freedom; know how to use one safely.

Our government preaches economic responsibility and has no interest in practicing it. Halliburton and no-bid contracts, Katrina related malfeasance, tax breaks for the richest Americans, and concessions to the big oil companies don’t jibe with any type of business plan.

President Bush preaches a “pull yourself up by your boot strap” philosophy. He wouldn’t know a boot strap if it slapped him in the face. He is a charter member of the “lucky sperm club.” He was born with a silver spoon stuck somewhere. He is aggressively against affirmative action yet, how do you think he got into Yale? Before he became a pro-business president, he had failed at every business venture he was involved in. He even bankrupted an oil company in Midland, Texas; and that’s hard to do.

I’ve provided a cheat-sheet for conservative lawmakers to help them through these trying times.

1. If you are truly in favor of less taxes (which most people are) and less government, read my lips: Do something about it. One way to help shrink the government would be for you to retire, and get your ass out of it.
   
2. If you are a foaming-at-the-mouth anti-gay crusader; don’t be gay.
   
3. If you are an evangelical, born-again Christian; practice at least some of the commonly accepted tenets of Christianity.
   
4. If you are an anti-gay, anti-drug televangelist; don’t buy crack from your gay masseuse.
   
5. If you sponsor legislation against child molestation; try not to molest children yourself.
   
6. If you rail against drug abusers and argue that they should be jailed for life; don’t expect a different outcome when you are busted for drugs yourself.
   
7. If you believe that education in the United States should be a priority; try to set an example by speaking in grammatically correct complete sentences.
   
8. If you are prone to making silly statements (like “Mission Accomplished”) while wearing pretend-military outfits; if you lead our country into a hellish war that has now lasted longer than WW2; if you mumble about “supporting our troops” while you continue to put them unnecessarily in harm’s way and then provide them with substandard care when they are injured; if you continually put our country at risk and put us in a position of ridicule around the world, and if you have no earthly idea how to get our soldiers out of a hell-hole that was totally of your making; please do us all a favor and at the very least, devise an exit strategy for yourself.

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