No matter how often I check the calendar, it still indicates there remains more than three and one-half years until the next presidential election, thereby begging the question of why are we already hearing about it? Seriously. At this point aren’t there a whole hell of a lot of other things the news media should be focusing attention on?

After all, we are at war on two fronts, unemployment is not at acceptable levels nationwide, oil is at an all time high, our borders are not secure, and medical care is still in crisis. Those items are just off the top of my head and I will admit to not having the stomach to be as well informed as I should be. I simply don’t know who to believe anymore and who has the time to do tons of independent research?

What I do know is that several names have popped up as presidential candidates and the field is wide open for both political parties. We hear about Bill Frist, John McCain and, of course, Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Knowing as I do that Ms. Clinton is a regular visitor to our website, www.thebeachcomber.org, it is she whom I wish to address. I know how eagerly she visits my column entry each and every fortnight, because as postmenopausal sisters with big bleeding hearts, we really do have a lot in common.

Dear Hillary:

Please, please do not make a bid for the big white house. I know it’s a great house and that airplane is very cool and all, but really, don’t put us through it. I know you’re qualified. Everyone knows you’re the smart one and now that you’ve been the first lady of both Arkansas and the nation, not to mention a senator from a big state, you got the political goods. But, if you really care about people the way you would have us believe, don’t make us listen to the way the opposition’s political machine will “Pillory Hillary” if you run.

Those of us that try to keep up know that elections are about perception, not fact. So you didn’t bake cookies for poor little Chelsea when she was growing up—neither do many other women who are lawyers with careers and children—but such a big deal was made of that when your husband was first running for president. It would appear Chelsea turned out just fine even if she did have to settle for Chips Ahoy and Oreos in her formative years.

Then there is your husband’s infidelity and the public humiliation you had to suffer because of it. You aren’t going to be able to make anybody happy about your choice to stay with him. The radical feminists think you should have kicked him below the belt on your way out the door and the family values people won’t see your action as one of keeping a family together. They will see it as a political move, because it is prudent to remain married to a philanderer with instant name recognition, especially if you yourself want to run for office. No one is going to applaud you for believing those vows of for better or worse, getting marriage counseling and “staying the course.” So, the family values folks won’t be on your side either, although among them there must be literally millions of spouses who have stood by their marriage vows and forgiven a straying spouse. Won’t matter.

War record? You don’t have one. Doesn’t matter that you’re female. It is such a big deal it almost sunk your husband and was a huge bone of contention in the last election. No matter that virtually every elected official on both sides of the political aisle, as you folks in the senate like to call it, have either questionable or ersatz military service records, they will find a way to hold it against you that you never carried a gun into combat.
Trust me on this. Nobody waves the flag harder or longer than those in no danger of having to defend it, like you folks.

And finally, you’ve already got a great job, a great house and great perks. You have 24-hour gofers; a way better than average salary, terrific health benefits and we pay your husband $200K a year for the rest of his life. You are the American dream. Settle, already.

Y’all keep in touch now, ya hear.

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